A Full Plate

On top of dealing with my depression I am also trying to mend the relationship with my boyfriend.

I won't go into too much detail but what spurred his decision to break up with me was that he had kissed this girl he liked.

He went on to lie to me for 2 weeks, disregarding all the new information on depression I had found and shutting down all the hope I showed. He also kept me on a leash on saying how he just wanted to be friends and how we could be together when I was better. In short, he has his own issues, he passed a lot of his guilt to me, that it was because I was depressed he was trying to blame me.

Yes, everything he did was selfish and completely unacceptable. But in a way I took it like a champ no matter how much doubt he shoved my way I wasn't going to let go of the idea that I didn't want to be depressed. I actually fought back being angry that he would mention relapsing when I was so invested in getting better, that my journey hadn't even began to even talk about failure. I fought because I believed, I didn't care how long it took, if I relapsed, I was going to fight depression for the rest of my life if I had to.

The 2 weeks of being shoved back and forth by him, I managed to wrangle the truth out of him. He had kissed her. I lost it, the two weeks of being so strong, dealing with the jerking me back and forth, the negativity when I was trying to hard to be positive.

I called the crisis line.

I'm glad I did, I didn't do it because I was going to hurt myself, I did it because I didn't know what to do and if I didn't do something my emotions would consume me again. I finally heard what I needed to hear, that I was doing the right thing. From calling the crisis line, the researching about depression, to talking to people online. The lovely woman on the other end also confirmed how strong as was, she asked if it was going to stop my pursuit to get treatment and I answered without thinking twice that it wasn't going to stop me.

That's when I knew I was going to be okay. I had managed to go through direct blows to my self-esteem and confidence from the person I loved most and I survived without being discouraged.

I know, I question myself too sometimes, why are you trying to fix the relationship then? I know what I need to change, I didn't do my part to keep the relationship going. Even though I was depressed it isn't an excuse for anything I did. I apologized for them and am dedicated to fixing them and moving on.

If he's willing to do the same for his mistakes then I am willing to try again. (more on that later)

Would this be easier if I cut my losses and just left to work on depression alone? Yes of course.

I guess a lot of my post will be dealing with my emotions on this relationship and less so about the depression although they are somewhat intertwined. I know my black dog has a full belly from what my boyfriend did to me, barking in my head confirming my insecurities.

Plus I haven't found any info on how to deal with both depression and someone cheating on you. So this is my little place to arrange my thoughts I guess.