My Story...

I decided that I no longer accepted depression as a way of life about 2-3 weeks ago.

I have depressed for atleast 5 years if not longer. I was never abused by family or friends or significant others. Actually I have a lot of people in my life that are caring and want to help me in anyway they can. Sadly depression doesn't know or care who you are or where you are in life.

I am 22 years old and for the 5 years that depression really took a hold on my life I didn't live. I let people get away with treating me badly, I let opportunities slip by, I flunked out of university, and quit my job. I became afraid of going outside and talking to people feeling like I had a tag on my head declaring that I was a failure.

I pushed people in out my life, for 2 years the only person that knew the truth was my boyfriend who lived with me. I pushed him too, feeding my need for misery. He cracked, of course. He felt used and trapped, I depended on him for everything. So he broke up with me.

This was actually the day I was waiting for. I knew that when he left I could finally die. My thoughts were consumed with how to commit suicide. I knew how I was going to do it and when. I knew that my parents, my brother, my friends, and now finally my ex-boyfriend would be okay when I left. I knew they were strong enough to survive without me.

What I didn't anticipate was that even though my boyfriend broke up with me he never left. He didn't want me to die. I could see the pain in his eyes, unable to leave because he was scared.

That's when I realized I could never kill myself without passing on my pain to those who cared. That even though my boyfriend was breaking up with me because he could no longer deal with my depression he would forever carry the guilt that he caused my death, that if he could just hold out longer. That everyone in my life would wonder what kind of part they played and who they would place the blame on. That no matter what kind of note I left explaining not to blame my boyfriend I knew people would.

So I turned to the internet. I read and researched so much about depression and read stories from people who are depressed. For me this was the light switch moment, I wasn't alone, a lot of people feel the exact same as me. These people didn't choose to feel this way and neither did I. I had become complacent because it was familiar and so much easier sleeping as much as I could to not exist.

Since that light switch day it hasn't been easy but I no longer accept depression as a way to live because technically it isn't living.